It couldn't be more beautiful

I haven't done this in a while. It feels good to write.

I'm sitting at home right now, at my desk, with just the lamp turned on, working on my psych reading. I just bought a subscription to Whisperings Solo Piano Radio's Purestream. You can find them at www.solopianoradio.com . It is, by far, my favourite station to listen to at times of trouble, peace, study, sleep, and everything in between.

So I was listening to this station, and reading, and lightning flashed outside my window, lighting up my otherwise dark house, and followed by a peal of thunder that was low, rumbling and exquisite.

What made it more stunning was that, just as that lightning and thunder cascaded across my senses, the track that was playing was "Irish Rain" by Michele McLaughlin, an amazing modern composer. Right as the lightning struck, the piece got into its faster point, and then, as the thunder struck and began to face away, it slowed down incredibly beautifully.

A moment like that is truly worth living for, I think.

Some images from a crappy phone camera to try to illustrate (I couldn't quite capture the lightning).





And here is a player with some of Michele's stuff. Scroll through to Irish Rain to hear it. I also recommend Winter Solstice.




Till later, then.

Your prison is walking through this world all alone...

I was debating on the title of this post, trying to decide between this one and "You gotta let somebody love you...", but I settled on this one because I think it just fits with some of the choices I've made in the recent past. I hope to modify this with the way things are going now, but we'll see.

Its hard to know when one is making the right choices, particularly when it comes to choosing whether or not to enter a relationship. Most times the choice isn't always clear, and at times it isn't even yours to make. Given all this, one can wonder why one would enter it, regardless, especially considering the shaky sense of permanence prevalent in our world. In the end, its simple: it's a matter of personal gain, regardless of what reason one chooses to justify it. Now that personal gain may be for social status, for the want of companionship, physical satisfaction, emotional satisfaction, or any combination of these.

Then why the lack of permanence? Its because any of these factors may change at any given time. The need for companionship may be fulfilled by some other, as may the needs for physical and emotional satisfaction. Similarly, one may find someone better to upgrade one's social status, or fall so low that one prefers a sense of 'slumming'. Granted, there are several other factors that may affect this, such as a need to let go due to extraneous circumstances (someone's disapproval, moving away etc...)

This is all fact and, realizing a short while ago, at the end of my most recent relationship, I felt that I wasn't prepared for anything that would result in me once again experiencing the various negative emotions and sensations that accompanied this. Thus, I've chosen a sense of detachment that I've maintained for some time now.

Yesterday, while talking to a new friend of mine, the same one I mentioned in my more recent blogposts, she asked me about my past. I'd given her an overview of it before, but she wanted a more intimate description. It was painful to part with the words, as they were hardly what one could call pleasant. In the end, after some silence, I said "hello?" She said "I want you to listen to a song that I feel might be appropriate for how you're feeling". She played me this...:



I think its time I made some changes...

A sense of detachment

Something about today made me feel a physical sense of detachment with things that have been happening around me. Something's clicked a certain way for me. Whether or not its the right or the wrong way remains to be seen.

Going out again today. Swinging by Steve's, then dinner, maybe a movie. Its kinda frigid out, so we'll see how plans shape up as the night progresses. All I know about it is that its nice to be able to look forward to something.

I hope that all the people I care about do come to realize that nothing deserves to be as serious as they make them out to be.

And one day, I'll learn that lesson too.

Work tomorrow, at Holt Renfrew. Jennifer Hudson is performing at an outdoor concert. Come watch if you have time, it promises to be fun. Its the Holt Renfrew Holiday Window unveiling.

I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it...


*exeunt*

Dreamer State

Its okay to feel happy, settled and on edge at the same time. At least, so I've learned tonight. It was fun, and full of laughs, wine and chocolate.

--> "Dude, we should totally create a job where all we do is daredevilly stuff!"
Me: "I think it exists, and they're called stuntmen... er... stunt people"
--> "Damn... alright, where do we sign up?"

What's not to love...

Something new

Two days ago I spoke to someone who, for all intents and purposes, blew me away. She's someone I've known for a very short while (2 weeks), and in that time, she's given me something to think about, a thing that most people generally don't manage in first encounters. So tonight I'm meeting her for something a bit more formal.

What she's represented to me is this:

1) My basis of religious belief: I've been dealing with my own issues with regards to the structure of everything I've believed, and how some of it's changed. I spoke to her about it, and she told me that the strength to truly believe in something, in oneself, in the promise and comfort of a higher power, in knowing that each moment isn't worthless, is a characterization of being human. Why fight it against each other when it's something so incredibly personal?

2) My daily social relationships: I've been feeling more and more detached from the things that have been going on with people's lives, people I care highly about, mostly because of my being overwhelmed with a few things that have decided to assault me within the last little while. She told me something about priorities with regards to self and love, and once again about how, considering all the species that exist socially vs. those that exist in a solely last-one-standing mode, solving the human puzzle isn't difficult.

3) The eradication of war: This is something I was a little surprised to find agreement on, as I've always considered my viewpoint a bit eccentric and infeasible. But there you have it, I found someone in agreement. Eerie, and cool.

4) Music: Probably the one instrumentalist who is most like me that I know.

There are just notes to myself, but I cannot wait for what comes next. I love seeing her smile, its so mischievous.

Watch this video, I've got mixed reviews on it, but I personally think its a great credit to the band they've paid tribute to:

Step off...

Who am I kidding?

These ideas are all so damned misplaced, stupid, and just utterly ridiculous. I've also got some serious apathy issues, so it looks like I'm screwed either way. Anyways, we'll see what else could possibly be left.

Just a rant.

Needing something to hold onto...

So with the decisions I've taken and the choices I've made in the past little while, I'm on track to get somewhere I want to go, in what seems to be an eternity. Yet now I'm on this path, I find that there are moments where I'm labouring to direct things the way I want them to go, and at other times, forced to maintain a hands-off attitude while things take their own turn and at a pace I cannot control. The strange game of push-pull-release is certainly one I haven't taken part in, in a long time anyways. I can just hope that, frenetic as it can sometimes get, I have my wits about me sufficiently to know when to perform the right action.

I miss my camera.

Well, that in and of itself is a misnomer of a statement. I can't truly miss something that's sitting right in front of me, albeit in its original packaging (barring the lack of a barcode... no pun intended), yet its a constant reminder that I've put it up for sale, as well as a harsher reminder that, fincances being in the state they're in, I'd better do something severe about them, including giving up something I've been coveting for a while now, and put a significant amount of time and money into purchasing.

So I'm providing myself with a test. For the next week, or at least a 4-day period, I'm going to do something a little bit creative. I'm going to go on 1.5-hour jogs at 5:30 am each day, following a square pattern around my main intersection.

Day 1:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point I, my starting destination.

Day 2:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point H, my starting point

Day 3:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point G

Day 4:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point J

Whaat I hope to do is, on each of these days, all conditions permitting, is take pictures of the areas I pass through, hopefully right as the sun is rising. I figure tomorrow would be too early to start, now that I think about it, but perhaps Monday morning will work. I will then post these pictures, and you can let me know if keeping my camera would be worthwhile.

This is the plan. We'll see what unfurls.

For now, I think I'll retire to a corner and make some progress on Knife of Dreams. I'm coming to realize what a lot of people complained about with regards to this saga. Books 4-11 do seem to have been able to be condensed in 2-3 volumes, as far as plot goes. However, the extent of characater development the author has envisioned is beautiful, and makes up for some of the excess, but not all of it. Certainly not when the same character trait is mentioned chapter after chapter, in a reinforcing manner, but also in a manner of wanting to provide words to meet a necessary quota. I've become quite adept at skipping lines in these novels, though, granted, its not a difficult skill. With 11 stages to build on, one learns quite well.

Before I close, Eid Mubarak to all my muslim friends. I hope the month of Ramadhan was good for all of you, and I hope this period of celebration is everything you want it to be.

And now, I bid adieu.