Who am I kidding?
These ideas are all so damned misplaced, stupid, and just utterly ridiculous. I've also got some serious apathy issues, so it looks like I'm screwed either way. Anyways, we'll see what else could possibly be left.
Just a rant.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Needing something to hold onto...
So with the decisions I've taken and the choices I've made in the past little while, I'm on track to get somewhere I want to go, in what seems to be an eternity. Yet now I'm on this path, I find that there are moments where I'm labouring to direct things the way I want them to go, and at other times, forced to maintain a hands-off attitude while things take their own turn and at a pace I cannot control. The strange game of push-pull-release is certainly one I haven't taken part in, in a long time anyways. I can just hope that, frenetic as it can sometimes get, I have my wits about me sufficiently to know when to perform the right action.
I miss my camera.
Well, that in and of itself is a misnomer of a statement. I can't truly miss something that's sitting right in front of me, albeit in its original packaging (barring the lack of a barcode... no pun intended), yet its a constant reminder that I've put it up for sale, as well as a harsher reminder that, fincances being in the state they're in, I'd better do something severe about them, including giving up something I've been coveting for a while now, and put a significant amount of time and money into purchasing.
So I'm providing myself with a test. For the next week, or at least a 4-day period, I'm going to do something a little bit creative. I'm going to go on 1.5-hour jogs at 5:30 am each day, following a square pattern around my main intersection.
Day 1:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point I, my starting destination.
Day 2:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point H, my starting point
Day 3:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point G
Day 4:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point J
Whaat I hope to do is, on each of these days, all conditions permitting, is take pictures of the areas I pass through, hopefully right as the sun is rising. I figure tomorrow would be too early to start, now that I think about it, but perhaps Monday morning will work. I will then post these pictures, and you can let me know if keeping my camera would be worthwhile.
This is the plan. We'll see what unfurls.
For now, I think I'll retire to a corner and make some progress on Knife of Dreams. I'm coming to realize what a lot of people complained about with regards to this saga. Books 4-11 do seem to have been able to be condensed in 2-3 volumes, as far as plot goes. However, the extent of characater development the author has envisioned is beautiful, and makes up for some of the excess, but not all of it. Certainly not when the same character trait is mentioned chapter after chapter, in a reinforcing manner, but also in a manner of wanting to provide words to meet a necessary quota. I've become quite adept at skipping lines in these novels, though, granted, its not a difficult skill. With 11 stages to build on, one learns quite well.
Before I close, Eid Mubarak to all my muslim friends. I hope the month of Ramadhan was good for all of you, and I hope this period of celebration is everything you want it to be.
And now, I bid adieu.
I miss my camera.
Well, that in and of itself is a misnomer of a statement. I can't truly miss something that's sitting right in front of me, albeit in its original packaging (barring the lack of a barcode... no pun intended), yet its a constant reminder that I've put it up for sale, as well as a harsher reminder that, fincances being in the state they're in, I'd better do something severe about them, including giving up something I've been coveting for a while now, and put a significant amount of time and money into purchasing.
So I'm providing myself with a test. For the next week, or at least a 4-day period, I'm going to do something a little bit creative. I'm going to go on 1.5-hour jogs at 5:30 am each day, following a square pattern around my main intersection.
Day 1:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point I, my starting destination.
Day 2:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point H, my starting point
Day 3:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point G
Day 4:
View Larger Map
Point A = Point J
Whaat I hope to do is, on each of these days, all conditions permitting, is take pictures of the areas I pass through, hopefully right as the sun is rising. I figure tomorrow would be too early to start, now that I think about it, but perhaps Monday morning will work. I will then post these pictures, and you can let me know if keeping my camera would be worthwhile.
This is the plan. We'll see what unfurls.
For now, I think I'll retire to a corner and make some progress on Knife of Dreams. I'm coming to realize what a lot of people complained about with regards to this saga. Books 4-11 do seem to have been able to be condensed in 2-3 volumes, as far as plot goes. However, the extent of characater development the author has envisioned is beautiful, and makes up for some of the excess, but not all of it. Certainly not when the same character trait is mentioned chapter after chapter, in a reinforcing manner, but also in a manner of wanting to provide words to meet a necessary quota. I've become quite adept at skipping lines in these novels, though, granted, its not a difficult skill. With 11 stages to build on, one learns quite well.
Before I close, Eid Mubarak to all my muslim friends. I hope the month of Ramadhan was good for all of you, and I hope this period of celebration is everything you want it to be.
And now, I bid adieu.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Home...
So this week (well, 2.5 days), I went to Hamilton for several reasons. Some of it was to deal with school issues, some of it work-related. But mostly, it was to say a sort of goodbye to a city that, in four years and a multitude of ways, has defined me and placed me in the position I'm in. Was it a happy goodbye? Was it a sad one? All I can honestly say is that it was bittersweet at best. I come away with an incomplete degree, an incomplete diploma, and a score of memories. I've forged new, lasting friendships, strengthened and changed old ones, and lost several people in the flow of time. I've gained a vast amount of knowledge, both academic and real-world. I've felt wealthy, and I've felt broke to the point of destitution. I've felt pain of every sort, and been the cause of it too often. I've felt joy because of what others have done for me, and I feel hopeless because I wasn't able to do at least as much. I was warm and endearing, now it feels as though I'm cold and callous. I went in determined to follow through with my chosen path in life. I come out now, utterly confused and unable to see hope in a new day... . And yet, I know that I'll be subject to more change for a while longer yet. All it is, is that one chapter of my life is complete. Goodbye Mac. So long, Hamilton. Time will tell if I miss you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Aimless
I haven't done this in a while. I've started, and stopped, and started again, and haven't reached a decision in a long time. Always striving to create something meaningful, with a good sense of purpose, or even truly epic, I keep falling back into the same self-feeding of cycle of doubt, laziness and sheer idiocy.
I am aimless. I wish I could cure this. Oh, I know there's an easy fix for it, but right now I could use some brainwashing or painful compulsion. Then again, maybe not? I don't know.
Back from the UK, and a lot of stuff isn't going too well right now. Looks like a lot of plans for the year have fallen through. Lets see where last-minute shifts land me.
ANd again, I truly wish I was skilled at one thing. Any one thing.
Its 3:35 AM and I need sleep, but it seems as though my body's already prepping for the possible insomnia the corticosteroids I have to start in a few hours are gonna give me. Way to plan ahead eh? First time for everything in life...
I truly miss sanity...
*Exeunt*
I am aimless. I wish I could cure this. Oh, I know there's an easy fix for it, but right now I could use some brainwashing or painful compulsion. Then again, maybe not? I don't know.
Back from the UK, and a lot of stuff isn't going too well right now. Looks like a lot of plans for the year have fallen through. Lets see where last-minute shifts land me.
ANd again, I truly wish I was skilled at one thing. Any one thing.
Its 3:35 AM and I need sleep, but it seems as though my body's already prepping for the possible insomnia the corticosteroids I have to start in a few hours are gonna give me. Way to plan ahead eh? First time for everything in life...
I truly miss sanity...
*Exeunt*
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Not enough...
Stuck on the outside and feeling helpless
Watching leaves and lives fall faster,
Floating further away
And I'm not strong enough to run or swim
To call out or save,
And I want to fight and show
Promises of beauty and bliss,
But I can't get them to turn around
For the one instant that I need,
And it feels like it spins away to an oblivion...
It seems unrecoverable.
I whisper, Please look this way...
I've wanted just a few moments to bring about something right, and it seems like I've left things in a fast-falling limbo that goes nowhere for either. Making my way alone, I want to show that there is a right way...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Closed doors, darkening paths...
So this week's been an understanding of a culmination, from several points of view. People are moving on to bigger and better things. Graduations, moves to apartments, acceptances to grad schools, job offers of incredible scales, new families, along with broken friendships, sudden soulmates, faded/lost love, newfound love... its overwhelming how much happiness, sadness and regret one can be party to. And yet, perhaps the strangest thing to feel, is that the next little while isn't going to be as dramatically different for me as it is for all these people. There's little anticipation, almost no goal-setting, and certainly nothing life-altering that I'm going to take part in. And strangely enough, I am content.
For too long I've tried to go with the flow, or race before it, or run violently against it. And for too long I've floated in the eddies of time, helpless, exhausted, lost in direction. I've tried to form my image conforming to, or fighting against, the characters of too many people. I remember one of my old friends saying, once upon a time, that I was like an eraser, in that, if one rubs a little bit off the lives of the people surrounding me, and then gather all the little bits together and compress them (a little thing I'm sure a lot of us have done in our elementary school days), that's effectively who I am. And I refused to acknowledge it then, claiming that I just had a lot in common with these people. And it was something I kept arguing continuously for a long time. I guess what made me realize differently is the amalgamation of all the broken old connections and the formation of new connections that I experienced in a short time over the past little while. The activities and qualities that I shared with the folks of the past weren't all compatible with the people I know now, and my fighting to be on common ground with all the new people is what made me stop and think for a moment on what it is I was doing. I had almost nothing of myself to relate with the traits and characteristics, hobbies, activities and emotions that these people embodied. And in the time it took for me to come to grasp with this, I felt disembodied, disconnected and almost cast off. Hence the angst-y immaturity of the last few posts. Forgive me.
However, I believe I've taken the steps towards growing up now. I'm trying to emerge from a shell I've built for myself, one that's prevented me from going through the narrow paths to advancement, and left me rolling around aimlessly in a field of career, education and relationship stagnation.
... and now that I think about it, maybe its time I stopped talking so intensely in metaphors.
A short recap of the last few days:
I helped Anya and Vickram move into their new apartment. A truly gorgeous place, and one so well situated. And in all honesty, I've never had this much fun moving, not even when I moved into a new place. Granted, all my moves were to and from student houses, and the housing situations weren't in any sense ideal at any of the points, but even so, planning and executing this move, and working towards creating a beautiful and functional living environment was definitely something I enjoyed immensely, particularly because I was working with Anya, Vickram and Sal. Awesome people all. Thanks for letting me share in the experience, and for your help in putting my stuff away.
I've gotten to understand my angel a little more. It felt as though I'd lost the understanding we shared for so long, but I don't know if it was me putting up the barriers, or her. Regardless, we've shared our minds with each other somewhat more now, and I can only hope that I can help her make it through all the stuff that's changing rapidly in her life. Early congrats on your graduating, angel, and good luck on your GMATs :)
As far as family goes, the road's become extremely rocky now, with any foreseeable future looking to bring worse. I just hope that I can help bring some sort of strength to everything, and when change comes, it is truly for the best.
Work's been slower, but more relaxing. There's a more laid-back yet orderly method to things, and it does seem like there is progress. Avtek Productions is merging with Campus Events; maybe this change will bring about a good rounding of common sense, and perhaps a few lights will be shed on administrative strong points and weak points.
And that should cover most of the past little while.
I'm moving home for the summer, and have a few things I want to get done before then, and once I get there. Here's to hoping I don't fall into a cycle of "I'll do it later" and get stuck. Maybe I'll be able to come back in September and actually have accomplished something decent. But I'm not going to rush or be unrealistic. I think I've been through enough of that, and put enough people through enough grief with regards to all of that.
My writing style has become truly abysmal! This definitely needs improvement.
So, on a slightly happier note...
*Lights dim and screen illuminates*
*Walk to stage left*
Here's a song that I'm sure a lot of you have heard, courtesy of Guitar Hero 3. It's technically insane, yet melodically beautiful. The lyrics are, for want of a better word, interesting, but I like them anyways. For your entertainment, Dragonforce.
*Exeunt*
For too long I've tried to go with the flow, or race before it, or run violently against it. And for too long I've floated in the eddies of time, helpless, exhausted, lost in direction. I've tried to form my image conforming to, or fighting against, the characters of too many people. I remember one of my old friends saying, once upon a time, that I was like an eraser, in that, if one rubs a little bit off the lives of the people surrounding me, and then gather all the little bits together and compress them (a little thing I'm sure a lot of us have done in our elementary school days), that's effectively who I am. And I refused to acknowledge it then, claiming that I just had a lot in common with these people. And it was something I kept arguing continuously for a long time. I guess what made me realize differently is the amalgamation of all the broken old connections and the formation of new connections that I experienced in a short time over the past little while. The activities and qualities that I shared with the folks of the past weren't all compatible with the people I know now, and my fighting to be on common ground with all the new people is what made me stop and think for a moment on what it is I was doing. I had almost nothing of myself to relate with the traits and characteristics, hobbies, activities and emotions that these people embodied. And in the time it took for me to come to grasp with this, I felt disembodied, disconnected and almost cast off. Hence the angst-y immaturity of the last few posts. Forgive me.
However, I believe I've taken the steps towards growing up now. I'm trying to emerge from a shell I've built for myself, one that's prevented me from going through the narrow paths to advancement, and left me rolling around aimlessly in a field of career, education and relationship stagnation.
... and now that I think about it, maybe its time I stopped talking so intensely in metaphors.
A short recap of the last few days:
I helped Anya and Vickram move into their new apartment. A truly gorgeous place, and one so well situated. And in all honesty, I've never had this much fun moving, not even when I moved into a new place. Granted, all my moves were to and from student houses, and the housing situations weren't in any sense ideal at any of the points, but even so, planning and executing this move, and working towards creating a beautiful and functional living environment was definitely something I enjoyed immensely, particularly because I was working with Anya, Vickram and Sal. Awesome people all. Thanks for letting me share in the experience, and for your help in putting my stuff away.
I've gotten to understand my angel a little more. It felt as though I'd lost the understanding we shared for so long, but I don't know if it was me putting up the barriers, or her. Regardless, we've shared our minds with each other somewhat more now, and I can only hope that I can help her make it through all the stuff that's changing rapidly in her life. Early congrats on your graduating, angel, and good luck on your GMATs :)
As far as family goes, the road's become extremely rocky now, with any foreseeable future looking to bring worse. I just hope that I can help bring some sort of strength to everything, and when change comes, it is truly for the best.
Work's been slower, but more relaxing. There's a more laid-back yet orderly method to things, and it does seem like there is progress. Avtek Productions is merging with Campus Events; maybe this change will bring about a good rounding of common sense, and perhaps a few lights will be shed on administrative strong points and weak points.
And that should cover most of the past little while.
I'm moving home for the summer, and have a few things I want to get done before then, and once I get there. Here's to hoping I don't fall into a cycle of "I'll do it later" and get stuck. Maybe I'll be able to come back in September and actually have accomplished something decent. But I'm not going to rush or be unrealistic. I think I've been through enough of that, and put enough people through enough grief with regards to all of that.
My writing style has become truly abysmal! This definitely needs improvement.
So, on a slightly happier note...
*Lights dim and screen illuminates*
*Walk to stage left*
Here's a song that I'm sure a lot of you have heard, courtesy of Guitar Hero 3. It's technically insane, yet melodically beautiful. The lyrics are, for want of a better word, interesting, but I like them anyways. For your entertainment, Dragonforce.
*Exeunt*
Monday, April 13, 2009
A day ahead, and falling behind
So today started out much like any other day, early, promising to be long, promising to be painful. And it was, in all aspects. I'm trying to take on pain that's too much for me, on levels I can't understand, both in their intensity and their complexity.
And oddly enough, today i read a letter of absolute ridiculousness, labeled "Dimitri The Lover", about Toronto's foremost "seduction guru". All in all, very entertaining (google Dimitri The Lover for a few moments of incredulous hilarity). But what was oddly resounding was these words someone had written on the letter... "narcissistic bastard"... It just seems like I've tried to put one too many spotlights on myself, Even with this post, and my cries for attention (to do what with, exactly? Wallow in self-pity?) I'm proving my point, and that label.
Heh.
Each step forward is an infinite number back? Or, tying to Anya's Newtonian exhortation with regards to each action producing an equal and opposite reaction, my steps feel as though I take one forward, and the world makes a complete spin in the opposite direction.
Well, then, re-proven.
My blog and all, but I wonder if I can make a post without "I".
Oh, to hell with this.
*Exeunt through trap door at gunshot*
And oddly enough, today i read a letter of absolute ridiculousness, labeled "Dimitri The Lover", about Toronto's foremost "seduction guru". All in all, very entertaining (google Dimitri The Lover for a few moments of incredulous hilarity). But what was oddly resounding was these words someone had written on the letter... "narcissistic bastard"... It just seems like I've tried to put one too many spotlights on myself, Even with this post, and my cries for attention (to do what with, exactly? Wallow in self-pity?) I'm proving my point, and that label.
Heh.
Each step forward is an infinite number back? Or, tying to Anya's Newtonian exhortation with regards to each action producing an equal and opposite reaction, my steps feel as though I take one forward, and the world makes a complete spin in the opposite direction.
Well, then, re-proven.
My blog and all, but I wonder if I can make a post without "I".
Oh, to hell with this.
*Exeunt through trap door at gunshot*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)