Stuck on the outside and feeling helpless Watching leaves and lives fall faster, Floating further away And I'm not strong enough to run or swim To call out or save, And I want to fight and show Promises of beauty and bliss, But I can't get them to turn around For the one instant that I need, And it feels like it spins away to an oblivion... It seems unrecoverable. I whisper, Please look this way...
I've wanted just a few moments to bring about something right, and it seems like I've left things in a fast-falling limbo that goes nowhere for either. Making my way alone, I want to show that there is a right way...
So this week's been an understanding of a culmination, from several points of view. People are moving on to bigger and better things. Graduations, moves to apartments, acceptances to grad schools, job offers of incredible scales, new families, along with broken friendships, sudden soulmates, faded/lost love, newfound love... its overwhelming how much happiness, sadness and regret one can be party to. And yet, perhaps the strangest thing to feel, is that the next little while isn't going to be as dramatically different for me as it is for all these people. There's little anticipation, almost no goal-setting, and certainly nothing life-altering that I'm going to take part in. And strangely enough, I am content.
For too long I've tried to go with the flow, or race before it, or run violently against it. And for too long I've floated in the eddies of time, helpless, exhausted, lost in direction. I've tried to form my image conforming to, or fighting against, the characters of too many people. I remember one of my old friends saying, once upon a time, that I was like an eraser, in that, if one rubs a little bit off the lives of the people surrounding me, and then gather all the little bits together and compress them (a little thing I'm sure a lot of us have done in our elementary school days), that's effectively who I am. And I refused to acknowledge it then, claiming that I just had a lot in common with these people. And it was something I kept arguing continuously for a long time. I guess what made me realize differently is the amalgamation of all the broken old connections and the formation of new connections that I experienced in a short time over the past little while. The activities and qualities that I shared with the folks of the past weren't all compatible with the people I know now, and my fighting to be on common ground with all the new people is what made me stop and think for a moment on what it is I was doing. I had almost nothing of myself to relate with the traits and characteristics, hobbies, activities and emotions that these people embodied. And in the time it took for me to come to grasp with this, I felt disembodied, disconnected and almost cast off. Hence the angst-y immaturity of the last few posts. Forgive me.
However, I believe I've taken the steps towards growing up now. I'm trying to emerge from a shell I've built for myself, one that's prevented me from going through the narrow paths to advancement, and left me rolling around aimlessly in a field of career, education and relationship stagnation.
... and now that I think about it, maybe its time I stopped talking so intensely in metaphors.
A short recap of the last few days:
I helped Anya and Vickram move into their new apartment. A truly gorgeous place, and one so well situated. And in all honesty, I've never had this much fun moving, not even when I moved into a new place. Granted, all my moves were to and from student houses, and the housing situations weren't in any sense ideal at any of the points, but even so, planning and executing this move, and working towards creating a beautiful and functional living environment was definitely something I enjoyed immensely, particularly because I was working with Anya, Vickram and Sal. Awesome people all. Thanks for letting me share in the experience, and for your help in putting my stuff away.
I've gotten to understand my angel a little more. It felt as though I'd lost the understanding we shared for so long, but I don't know if it was me putting up the barriers, or her. Regardless, we've shared our minds with each other somewhat more now, and I can only hope that I can help her make it through all the stuff that's changing rapidly in her life. Early congrats on your graduating, angel, and good luck on your GMATs :)
As far as family goes, the road's become extremely rocky now, with any foreseeable future looking to bring worse. I just hope that I can help bring some sort of strength to everything, and when change comes, it is truly for the best.
Work's been slower, but more relaxing. There's a more laid-back yet orderly method to things, and it does seem like there is progress. Avtek Productions is merging with Campus Events; maybe this change will bring about a good rounding of common sense, and perhaps a few lights will be shed on administrative strong points and weak points.
And that should cover most of the past little while.
I'm moving home for the summer, and have a few things I want to get done before then, and once I get there. Here's to hoping I don't fall into a cycle of "I'll do it later" and get stuck. Maybe I'll be able to come back in September and actually have accomplished something decent. But I'm not going to rush or be unrealistic. I think I've been through enough of that, and put enough people through enough grief with regards to all of that.
My writing style has become truly abysmal! This definitely needs improvement.
So, on a slightly happier note...
*Lights dim and screen illuminates*
*Walk to stage left*
Here's a song that I'm sure a lot of you have heard, courtesy of Guitar Hero 3. It's technically insane, yet melodically beautiful. The lyrics are, for want of a better word, interesting, but I like them anyways. For your entertainment, Dragonforce.
So today started out much like any other day, early, promising to be long, promising to be painful. And it was, in all aspects. I'm trying to take on pain that's too much for me, on levels I can't understand, both in their intensity and their complexity.
And oddly enough, today i read a letter of absolute ridiculousness, labeled "Dimitri The Lover", about Toronto's foremost "seduction guru". All in all, very entertaining (google Dimitri The Lover for a few moments of incredulous hilarity). But what was oddly resounding was these words someone had written on the letter... "narcissistic bastard"... It just seems like I've tried to put one too many spotlights on myself, Even with this post, and my cries for attention (to do what with, exactly? Wallow in self-pity?) I'm proving my point, and that label.
Heh.
Each step forward is an infinite number back? Or, tying to Anya's Newtonian exhortation with regards to each action producing an equal and opposite reaction, my steps feel as though I take one forward, and the world makes a complete spin in the opposite direction.
Well, then, re-proven.
My blog and all, but I wonder if I can make a post without "I".
Every single person is disgusting, around me. Maybe its as far as I can see. But in every facet I see the telltale signs of greed, selfishness, lies, absolute lack of satisfaction, maliciousness, wishes for pain in others...
And I am the filthiest one of them all.
And again this time I ask, what good would it bring about to take myself out of the equation? Time for some listings.
1) It'll prevent me from seeing the ugliness, and thereby possibly make my outlook a bit brighter. 2) Maybe if people weren't around me, their outlook may be considerably more brighter than if not.
.. I can't get much further than that. But if I chose to stay, what could I change?
1) I'd have to change myself first and what I could give. I think that would take too long, and perceptions won't be easy to change. Probably painful. 2) Change others? Yeah f***in' right.
Hm. Considerations towards taking myself out on a more.. er... permanent level.
1).... 2)...... 3).........
Better left unstated I think. But if you've got suggestions, do tell.
So for all intents and purposes it would seem like my loyalties, in all things related to friendships or relationships, are not to be relied on. I guess it is what it is. I've made too many mistakes to be forgiven anymore. Words, actions, they're unrelated, out of place... I'm just out of place. Time to disappear.
In other news, I have to rewire the speakers at the dentist's office. The same ones I wired already. On the eve and the wee hours of my birthday, no less. Dammit. Here, we do everything twice.
I need to go watch my movie. And then I need to move on with my life. All of it. This is gonna be long. But as always, this one's my fault. My delay. My steps backwards, off the map, in circles.
Everything I pick seems to be a cycle, something that, once I take a step into, i can't use to advance. The things I need to learn seem far out of hand. Any achievements at my job are stagnant in their rewards.
In the morning I'm going to be absolutely no better. Pavlovian BS.
How about as serious proposition... if I finish the tasks I need today and tomorrow, I'll try to be positive. If not, what's going be different?
