Today, I got the news that my maternal grandmother's youngest sister passed away. She was in a camp setup by the Sri Lankan government, a camp made to house the displaced citizens on the areas currently declared as war-zones. Yet this camp was bombed.
She was 74. She and her children and grandchildren had been running for months. She was cooking food for them while they went to bathe.
They had no involvement in this, in any of this. They were poor farmers eking out a living in a land hit by political turmoil and natural disaster.
My grandmother and her other sister still don't know.
I never knew her. She was apparently among the kindest souls to walk the face of this Earth.
This war has hit home again.
We're going back to checking lists of the dead and injured. She passed away on the 26th. We found out today.
Lord have mercy.
Be remembered in beauty, and in being happy in the land you were born in, not in the nation that stole your life.
I'm caught in an apparent trap, or cycle, it would seem. Its a classification that every relationship I've had, whether its romantic or friendly, seems to fall into. Simply put, its that, whenever someone gets close to me, it may be due to common interests shared, or it may not. Regardless of this fact, however, as this gets deeper, they seem to trust me more, enough to share their feelings with, and discuss the complications of their lives. I listen as best as I can, and try to give some advice, and a shoulder to cry on or a hug for comfort. They are grateful. This can last as long as it needs to. However, as time, or a change in situation, gets rid of the problems, they become more distant. If their situation involved unresolved issues with other individuals, and then things get fixed, it feels as if my world grows quieter. It would seem that the period past may be something considered naive or immature, and all ties with it best left untouched or forgotten.
It may be that its the extent of the relationship I am able to create and maintain. Maybe I can't provide anything more than companionship in strife?
Or maybe this is just me being ridiculously selfish.
Times change. People change. Finding oneself in the ebb and flow of others' consciousness is difficult, if one were to go about it consciously. The drone mentality is so much easier to live in. And it always begs the question... is it worth it?
Is independence of the mind really and truly worth it?
I don't know. I started somewhere on this path, and fell into a sinkhole.
So now what?
I am in love with a thought, and I've lost my grip on sanity. I need to find some form of release, something of intense focus, some kind of specificity thats almost too painful. Yet what can I ask for?
I'll ask for understanding, I think. Though perhaps I have too much, and not enough knowledge. Or maybe its inverted.
SO. Does that title make much sense? I suppose not. I have no idea why I wrote it, but I am listening to Van Halen's Jump. That MAY have something to do with it, but no guarantees.
I forgot my beautiful riff, and am now attempting to replay an old song about memories. Yet the memories I want to recall with the song just seem to be fading faster, and I have no idea where I'm ending up. But eh, such is life.
And more of a truly elegant trumpet solo. See the vid links in the post below to see/hear what I'm talking about.
I started writing this with some purpose in mind, but I now have no recollection.
Its 10:31 PM. I'm now 22 years and a week old. The feeling of unaccomplishment is truly crushing. Breaking out of this dead-end cycle is painful. I could really use some sort of intosication right now to make me forget this, but none avail themselves to me right now.
"Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back To the place I was before Relax, said the night man, We are programmed to receive. You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave... "
So I haven't posted here in a while, and I've felt the need to discuss so many things going on, just to be able to lay out everything on my mind, to get a bead on whats happening with me, and maybe find some answers, or a pathway.
... No such luck as of yet. Each time I try to write, I hit a muddle of thoughts that try to puch their way forward individually, till I just end up with a cacophony of words. I have a penchant for this sort of thing, it seems.
Ah well. I've been riffing. I was listening to Hotel California by the beetles, and it inspired some tune in me (I was also listening to Saviour, by Rise Against, and got a dancehall beat in my head... how? I have no idea, but more on that later). So I'm trying to lay out this riff, and maybe get enough of a direction on it to inspire it into a tune. However, that requires flawless finger picking. Not my forte, but it doesn't seem like much is these days. Clearly a route of practice ahead of me.
On other fronts, I am working 10+ hours a week over the limit stipulated by the MSU for part-time workers, at Avtek. Hm... I wonder if thats a clue for me to take a hint.
I've loved, and lost, and loved again, and pushed away, and pulled myself back in. Love is a game that does no favours for its players, and I'm royally screwed. I yearn for something that seems like it will be denied to me for a while yet. Doesn't make the daily grind any easier. TO all of you who have that happiness, more power to you, and I cast my green eye on you with infinite yearning.
Now more riffing for me.
In the meanwhile, here's a few pieces that have stood the test of time.
