Your prison is walking through this world all alone...

I was debating on the title of this post, trying to decide between this one and "You gotta let somebody love you...", but I settled on this one because I think it just fits with some of the choices I've made in the recent past. I hope to modify this with the way things are going now, but we'll see.

Its hard to know when one is making the right choices, particularly when it comes to choosing whether or not to enter a relationship. Most times the choice isn't always clear, and at times it isn't even yours to make. Given all this, one can wonder why one would enter it, regardless, especially considering the shaky sense of permanence prevalent in our world. In the end, its simple: it's a matter of personal gain, regardless of what reason one chooses to justify it. Now that personal gain may be for social status, for the want of companionship, physical satisfaction, emotional satisfaction, or any combination of these.

Then why the lack of permanence? Its because any of these factors may change at any given time. The need for companionship may be fulfilled by some other, as may the needs for physical and emotional satisfaction. Similarly, one may find someone better to upgrade one's social status, or fall so low that one prefers a sense of 'slumming'. Granted, there are several other factors that may affect this, such as a need to let go due to extraneous circumstances (someone's disapproval, moving away etc...)

This is all fact and, realizing a short while ago, at the end of my most recent relationship, I felt that I wasn't prepared for anything that would result in me once again experiencing the various negative emotions and sensations that accompanied this. Thus, I've chosen a sense of detachment that I've maintained for some time now.

Yesterday, while talking to a new friend of mine, the same one I mentioned in my more recent blogposts, she asked me about my past. I'd given her an overview of it before, but she wanted a more intimate description. It was painful to part with the words, as they were hardly what one could call pleasant. In the end, after some silence, I said "hello?" She said "I want you to listen to a song that I feel might be appropriate for how you're feeling". She played me this...:



I think its time I made some changes...

A sense of detachment

Something about today made me feel a physical sense of detachment with things that have been happening around me. Something's clicked a certain way for me. Whether or not its the right or the wrong way remains to be seen.

Going out again today. Swinging by Steve's, then dinner, maybe a movie. Its kinda frigid out, so we'll see how plans shape up as the night progresses. All I know about it is that its nice to be able to look forward to something.

I hope that all the people I care about do come to realize that nothing deserves to be as serious as they make them out to be.

And one day, I'll learn that lesson too.

Work tomorrow, at Holt Renfrew. Jennifer Hudson is performing at an outdoor concert. Come watch if you have time, it promises to be fun. Its the Holt Renfrew Holiday Window unveiling.

I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it...


*exeunt*

Dreamer State

Its okay to feel happy, settled and on edge at the same time. At least, so I've learned tonight. It was fun, and full of laughs, wine and chocolate.

--> "Dude, we should totally create a job where all we do is daredevilly stuff!"
Me: "I think it exists, and they're called stuntmen... er... stunt people"
--> "Damn... alright, where do we sign up?"

What's not to love...

Something new

Two days ago I spoke to someone who, for all intents and purposes, blew me away. She's someone I've known for a very short while (2 weeks), and in that time, she's given me something to think about, a thing that most people generally don't manage in first encounters. So tonight I'm meeting her for something a bit more formal.

What she's represented to me is this:

1) My basis of religious belief: I've been dealing with my own issues with regards to the structure of everything I've believed, and how some of it's changed. I spoke to her about it, and she told me that the strength to truly believe in something, in oneself, in the promise and comfort of a higher power, in knowing that each moment isn't worthless, is a characterization of being human. Why fight it against each other when it's something so incredibly personal?

2) My daily social relationships: I've been feeling more and more detached from the things that have been going on with people's lives, people I care highly about, mostly because of my being overwhelmed with a few things that have decided to assault me within the last little while. She told me something about priorities with regards to self and love, and once again about how, considering all the species that exist socially vs. those that exist in a solely last-one-standing mode, solving the human puzzle isn't difficult.

3) The eradication of war: This is something I was a little surprised to find agreement on, as I've always considered my viewpoint a bit eccentric and infeasible. But there you have it, I found someone in agreement. Eerie, and cool.

4) Music: Probably the one instrumentalist who is most like me that I know.

There are just notes to myself, but I cannot wait for what comes next. I love seeing her smile, its so mischievous.

Watch this video, I've got mixed reviews on it, but I personally think its a great credit to the band they've paid tribute to:

Step off...

Who am I kidding?

These ideas are all so damned misplaced, stupid, and just utterly ridiculous. I've also got some serious apathy issues, so it looks like I'm screwed either way. Anyways, we'll see what else could possibly be left.

Just a rant.

Needing something to hold onto...

So with the decisions I've taken and the choices I've made in the past little while, I'm on track to get somewhere I want to go, in what seems to be an eternity. Yet now I'm on this path, I find that there are moments where I'm labouring to direct things the way I want them to go, and at other times, forced to maintain a hands-off attitude while things take their own turn and at a pace I cannot control. The strange game of push-pull-release is certainly one I haven't taken part in, in a long time anyways. I can just hope that, frenetic as it can sometimes get, I have my wits about me sufficiently to know when to perform the right action.

I miss my camera.

Well, that in and of itself is a misnomer of a statement. I can't truly miss something that's sitting right in front of me, albeit in its original packaging (barring the lack of a barcode... no pun intended), yet its a constant reminder that I've put it up for sale, as well as a harsher reminder that, fincances being in the state they're in, I'd better do something severe about them, including giving up something I've been coveting for a while now, and put a significant amount of time and money into purchasing.

So I'm providing myself with a test. For the next week, or at least a 4-day period, I'm going to do something a little bit creative. I'm going to go on 1.5-hour jogs at 5:30 am each day, following a square pattern around my main intersection.

Day 1:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point I, my starting destination.

Day 2:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point H, my starting point

Day 3:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point G

Day 4:

View Larger Map

Point A = Point J

Whaat I hope to do is, on each of these days, all conditions permitting, is take pictures of the areas I pass through, hopefully right as the sun is rising. I figure tomorrow would be too early to start, now that I think about it, but perhaps Monday morning will work. I will then post these pictures, and you can let me know if keeping my camera would be worthwhile.

This is the plan. We'll see what unfurls.

For now, I think I'll retire to a corner and make some progress on Knife of Dreams. I'm coming to realize what a lot of people complained about with regards to this saga. Books 4-11 do seem to have been able to be condensed in 2-3 volumes, as far as plot goes. However, the extent of characater development the author has envisioned is beautiful, and makes up for some of the excess, but not all of it. Certainly not when the same character trait is mentioned chapter after chapter, in a reinforcing manner, but also in a manner of wanting to provide words to meet a necessary quota. I've become quite adept at skipping lines in these novels, though, granted, its not a difficult skill. With 11 stages to build on, one learns quite well.

Before I close, Eid Mubarak to all my muslim friends. I hope the month of Ramadhan was good for all of you, and I hope this period of celebration is everything you want it to be.

And now, I bid adieu.

Home...

So this week (well, 2.5 days), I went to Hamilton for several reasons. Some of it was to deal with school issues, some of it work-related. But mostly, it was to say a sort of goodbye to a city that, in four years and a multitude of ways, has defined me and placed me in the position I'm in. Was it a happy goodbye? Was it a sad one? All I can honestly say is that it was bittersweet at best. I come away with an incomplete degree, an incomplete diploma, and a score of memories. I've forged new, lasting friendships, strengthened and changed old ones, and lost several people in the flow of time. I've gained a vast amount of knowledge, both academic and real-world. I've felt wealthy, and I've felt broke to the point of destitution. I've felt pain of every sort, and been the cause of it too often. I've felt joy because of what others have done for me, and I feel hopeless because I wasn't able to do at least as much. I was warm and endearing, now it feels as though I'm cold and callous. I went in determined to follow through with my chosen path in life. I come out now, utterly confused and unable to see hope in a new day... . And yet, I know that I'll be subject to more change for a while longer yet. All it is, is that one chapter of my life is complete. Goodbye Mac. So long, Hamilton. Time will tell if I miss you.

Aimless

I haven't done this in a while. I've started, and stopped, and started again, and haven't reached a decision in a long time. Always striving to create something meaningful, with a good sense of purpose, or even truly epic, I keep falling back into the same self-feeding of cycle of doubt, laziness and sheer idiocy.

I am aimless. I wish I could cure this. Oh, I know there's an easy fix for it, but right now I could use some brainwashing or painful compulsion. Then again, maybe not? I don't know.

Back from the UK, and a lot of stuff isn't going too well right now. Looks like a lot of plans for the year have fallen through. Lets see where last-minute shifts land me.

ANd again, I truly wish I was skilled at one thing. Any one thing.

Its 3:35 AM and I need sleep, but it seems as though my body's already prepping for the possible insomnia the corticosteroids I have to start in a few hours are gonna give me. Way to plan ahead eh? First time for everything in life...

I truly miss sanity...

*Exeunt*

Not enough...

Stuck on the outside and feeling helpless
Watching leaves and lives fall faster,
Floating further away
And I'm not strong enough to run or swim
To call out or save,
And I want to fight and show
Promises of beauty and bliss,
But I can't get them to turn around
For the one instant that I need,
And it feels like it spins away to an oblivion...
It seems unrecoverable.
I whisper, Please look this way...

I've wanted just a few moments to bring about something right, and it seems like I've left things in a fast-falling limbo that goes nowhere for either. Making my way alone, I want to show that there is a right way...

Closed doors, darkening paths...

So this week's been an understanding of a culmination, from several points of view. People are moving on to bigger and better things. Graduations, moves to apartments, acceptances to grad schools, job offers of incredible scales, new families, along with broken friendships, sudden soulmates, faded/lost love, newfound love... its overwhelming how much happiness, sadness and regret one can be party to. And yet, perhaps the strangest thing to feel, is that the next little while isn't going to be as dramatically different for me as it is for all these people. There's little anticipation, almost no goal-setting, and certainly nothing life-altering that I'm going to take part in. And strangely enough, I am content.

For too long I've tried to go with the flow, or race before it, or run violently against it. And for too long I've floated in the eddies of time, helpless, exhausted, lost in direction. I've tried to form my image conforming to, or fighting against, the characters of too many people. I remember one of my old friends saying, once upon a time, that I was like an eraser, in that, if one rubs a little bit off the lives of the people surrounding me, and then gather all the little bits together and compress them (a little thing I'm sure a lot of us have done in our elementary school days), that's effectively who I am. And I refused to acknowledge it then, claiming that I just had a lot in common with these people. And it was something I kept arguing continuously for a long time. I guess what made me realize differently is the amalgamation of all the broken old connections and the formation of new connections that I experienced in a short time over the past little while. The activities and qualities that I shared with the folks of the past weren't all compatible with the people I know now, and my fighting to be on common ground with all the new people is what made me stop and think for a moment on what it is I was doing. I had almost nothing of myself to relate with the traits and characteristics, hobbies, activities and emotions that these people embodied. And in the time it took for me to come to grasp with this, I felt disembodied, disconnected and almost cast off. Hence the angst-y immaturity of the last few posts. Forgive me.

However, I believe I've taken the steps towards growing up now. I'm trying to emerge from a shell I've built for myself, one that's prevented me from going through the narrow paths to advancement, and left me rolling around aimlessly in a field of career, education and relationship stagnation.

... and now that I think about it, maybe its time I stopped talking so intensely in metaphors.

A short recap of the last few days:

I helped Anya and Vickram move into their new apartment. A truly gorgeous place, and one so well situated. And in all honesty, I've never had this much fun moving, not even when I moved into a new place. Granted, all my moves were to and from student houses, and the housing situations weren't in any sense ideal at any of the points, but even so, planning and executing this move, and working towards creating a beautiful and functional living environment was definitely something I enjoyed immensely, particularly because I was working with Anya, Vickram and Sal. Awesome people all. Thanks for letting me share in the experience, and for your help in putting my stuff away.

I've gotten to understand my angel a little more. It felt as though I'd lost the understanding we shared for so long, but I don't know if it was me putting up the barriers, or her. Regardless, we've shared our minds with each other somewhat more now, and I can only hope that I can help her make it through all the stuff that's changing rapidly in her life. Early congrats on your graduating, angel, and good luck on your GMATs :)

As far as family goes, the road's become extremely rocky now, with any foreseeable future looking to bring worse. I just hope that I can help bring some sort of strength to everything, and when change comes, it is truly for the best.

Work's been slower, but more relaxing. There's a more laid-back yet orderly method to things, and it does seem like there is progress. Avtek Productions is merging with Campus Events; maybe this change will bring about a good rounding of common sense, and perhaps a few lights will be shed on administrative strong points and weak points.

And that should cover most of the past little while.

I'm moving home for the summer, and have a few things I want to get done before then, and once I get there. Here's to hoping I don't fall into a cycle of "I'll do it later" and get stuck. Maybe I'll be able to come back in September and actually have accomplished something decent. But I'm not going to rush or be unrealistic. I think I've been through enough of that, and put enough people through enough grief with regards to all of that.

My writing style has become truly abysmal! This definitely needs improvement.

So, on a slightly happier note...

*Lights dim and screen illuminates*

*Walk to stage left*

Here's a song that I'm sure a lot of you have heard, courtesy of Guitar Hero 3. It's technically insane, yet melodically beautiful. The lyrics are, for want of a better word, interesting, but I like them anyways. For your entertainment, Dragonforce.

*Exeunt*

A day ahead, and falling behind

So today started out much like any other day, early, promising to be long, promising to be painful. And it was, in all aspects. I'm trying to take on pain that's too much for me, on levels I can't understand, both in their intensity and their complexity.

And oddly enough, today i read a letter of absolute ridiculousness, labeled "Dimitri The Lover", about Toronto's foremost "seduction guru". All in all, very entertaining (google Dimitri The Lover for a few moments of incredulous hilarity). But what was oddly resounding was these words someone had written on the letter... "narcissistic bastard"... It just seems like I've tried to put one too many spotlights on myself, Even with this post, and my cries for attention (to do what with, exactly? Wallow in self-pity?) I'm proving my point, and that label.

Heh.

Each step forward is an infinite number back? Or, tying to Anya's Newtonian exhortation with regards to each action producing an equal and opposite reaction, my steps feel as though I take one forward, and the world makes a complete spin in the opposite direction.

Well, then, re-proven.

My blog and all, but I wonder if I can make a post without "I".

Oh, to hell with this.

*Exeunt through trap door at gunshot*

Ugly

Every single person is disgusting, around me. Maybe its as far as I can see. But in every facet I see the telltale signs of greed, selfishness, lies, absolute lack of satisfaction, maliciousness, wishes for pain in others...

And I am the filthiest one of them all.

And again this time I ask, what good would it bring about to take myself out of the equation? Time for some listings.

1) It'll prevent me from seeing the ugliness, and thereby possibly make my outlook a bit brighter.
2) Maybe if people weren't around me, their outlook may be considerably more brighter than if not.

.. I can't get much further than that. But if I chose to stay, what could I change?

1) I'd have to change myself first and what I could give. I think that would take too long, and perceptions won't be easy to change. Probably painful.
2) Change others? Yeah f***in' right.

Hm. Considerations towards taking myself out on a more.. er... permanent level.

1)....
2)......
3).........

Better left unstated I think. But if you've got suggestions, do tell.

*Exeunt*.... *for now*

The fickle antagonist

So for all intents and purposes it would seem like my loyalties, in all things related to friendships or relationships, are not to be relied on. I guess it is what it is. I've made too many mistakes to be forgiven anymore. Words, actions, they're unrelated, out of place... I'm just out of place. Time to disappear.

In other news, I have to rewire the speakers at the dentist's office. The same ones I wired already. On the eve and the wee hours of my birthday, no less. Dammit. Here, we do everything twice.

I need to go watch my movie. And then I need to move on with my life. All of it. This is gonna be long. But as always, this one's my fault. My delay. My steps backwards, off the map, in circles.

Everything I pick seems to be a cycle, something that, once I take a step into, i can't use to advance. The things I need to learn seem far out of hand. Any achievements at my job are stagnant in their rewards.

In the morning I'm going to be absolutely no better. Pavlovian BS.

How about as serious proposition... if I finish the tasks I need today and tomorrow, I'll try to be positive. If not, what's going be different?

*Exeunt*

R.I.P Grandma

Today, I got the news that my maternal grandmother's youngest sister passed away. She was in a camp setup by the Sri Lankan government, a camp made to house the displaced citizens on the areas currently declared as war-zones. Yet this camp was bombed.

She was 74. She and her children and grandchildren had been running for months. She was cooking food for them while they went to bathe.

They had no involvement in this, in any of this. They were poor farmers eking out a living in a land hit by political turmoil and natural disaster.

My grandmother and her other sister still don't know.

I never knew her. She was apparently among the kindest souls to walk the face of this Earth.

This war has hit home again.

We're going back to checking lists of the dead and injured. She passed away on the 26th. We found out today.

Lord have mercy.



Be remembered in beauty, and in being happy in the land you were born in, not in the nation that stole your life.

Rest in peace, grandma.

Where do I stand?

I'm caught in an apparent trap, or cycle, it would seem. Its a classification that every relationship I've had, whether its romantic or friendly, seems to fall into. Simply put, its that, whenever someone gets close to me, it may be due to common interests shared, or it may not. Regardless of this fact, however, as this gets deeper, they seem to trust me more, enough to share their feelings with, and discuss the complications of their lives. I listen as best as I can, and try to give some advice, and a shoulder to cry on or a hug for comfort. They are grateful. This can last as long as it needs to. However, as time, or a change in situation, gets rid of the problems, they become more distant. If their situation involved unresolved issues with other individuals, and then things get fixed, it feels as if my world grows quieter. It would seem that the period past may be something considered naive or immature, and all ties with it best left untouched or forgotten.

It may be that its the extent of the relationship I am able to create and maintain. Maybe I can't provide anything more than companionship in strife?

Or maybe this is just me being ridiculously selfish.

Forgive me.

Its going to be a cold day in hell...

Times change. People change. Finding oneself in the ebb and flow of others' consciousness is difficult, if one were to go about it consciously. The drone mentality is so much easier to live in. And it always begs the question... is it worth it?

Is independence of the mind really and truly worth it?

I don't know. I started somewhere on this path, and fell into a sinkhole.

So now what?

I am in love with a thought, and I've lost my grip on sanity. I need to find some form of release, something of intense focus, some kind of specificity thats almost too painful. Yet what can I ask for?

I'll ask for understanding, I think. Though perhaps I have too much, and not enough knowledge. Or maybe its inverted.

I don't want to die. Not yet, I think.

*Yawn*

Shot through the head, and you can't believe the day's become yesterday's tomorrow

SO. Does that title make much sense? I suppose not. I have no idea why I wrote it, but I am listening to Van Halen's Jump. That MAY have something to do with it, but no guarantees.

I forgot my beautiful riff, and am now attempting to replay an old song about memories. Yet the memories I want to recall with the song just seem to be fading faster, and I have no idea where I'm ending up. But eh, such is life.

And more of a truly elegant trumpet solo. See the vid links in the post below to see/hear what I'm talking about.

I started writing this with some purpose in mind, but I now have no recollection.

Its 10:31 PM. I'm now 22 years and a week old. The feeling of unaccomplishment is truly crushing. Breaking out of this dead-end cycle is painful. I could really use some sort of intosication right now to make me forget this, but none avail themselves to me right now.

"Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
Relax, said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave... "

How damned appropriate...

Riffing

So I haven't posted here in a while, and I've felt the need to discuss so many things going on, just to be able to lay out everything on my mind, to get a bead on whats happening with me, and maybe find some answers, or a pathway.

... No such luck as of yet. Each time I try to write, I hit a muddle of thoughts that try to puch their way forward individually, till I just end up with a cacophony of words. I have a penchant for this sort of thing, it seems.

Ah well. I've been riffing. I was listening to Hotel California by the beetles, and it inspired some tune in me (I was also listening to Saviour, by Rise Against, and got a dancehall beat in my head... how? I have no idea, but more on that later). So I'm trying to lay out this riff, and maybe get enough of a direction on it to inspire it into a tune. However, that requires flawless finger picking. Not my forte, but it doesn't seem like much is these days. Clearly a route of practice ahead of me.

On other fronts, I am working 10+ hours a week over the limit stipulated by the MSU for part-time workers, at Avtek. Hm... I wonder if thats a clue for me to take a hint.

I've loved, and lost, and loved again, and pushed away, and pulled myself back in. Love is a game that does no favours for its players, and I'm royally screwed. I yearn for something that seems like it will be denied to me for a while yet. Doesn't make the daily grind any easier. TO all of you who have that happiness, more power to you, and I cast my green eye on you with infinite yearning.

Now more riffing for me.

In the meanwhile, here's a few pieces that have stood the test of time.

Somehow this wasn't where I thought I'd end up...

For all the self-determination, self-sympathy, self-motivation and subsequent self-destruction, I really thought my net shift would be towards something... well, brighter, happier, positive, and all the generally good stuff that portrays a good life.

But no, thats not me.

As my blog title says, I am a dilettante, largely a jack of all (well, some) trades, master of none. And yes, I mean none. Though even going so far as to say jack would be a bit much. Self-educated peasant, maybe. And one with a horible learning curve, and a complete and utter lack of motivation to boot.

But lets let go of semantics for now.

I need a self check. I need something that will force me to stop in my path and admit my character, in its entirety, to myself. I need shame, and ridicule, and all manner of criticism. I've learned, in an extremely hard way, that I cannot give that to myself in self-containment. I need a huge dose of it, a real a**-kicking. If anyone can help, please do.

And once again, its 1:54 AM, and I'm blogging. Some things never change. Incidentally, this blog is one of several that have been started; all previous ones have dwindled to insignificance, most written in a circumstance that now has no relevance. A stupid tactic for creating something meaningful, I know. And yet they are what they are. I've taken them offline, hoping for something new. Will it happen? We'll see.

Post #1, you're complete.

[Exeunt]